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I’ve not written a blog entry since August 2011. I could cite a lot of reasons why, but the honest answer is that I just didn’t know what to write about. Had I written anything it would probably just been moaning and ranting about life. I spent most the last 9 months of 2011 ‘enjoying’ what I can only describe as an out of body experience. Life was happening to me but I didn’t really feel like I was willing participant. I felt like more like a spectator most of the time and I didn’t really like what I was seeing.
Eventually, I decided that this was not how it was meant to be and stopped denying that fact that I was depressed again and I admitted that I needed help again. That was in December and since then things have been getting better, not always steadily and consistently.
Perhaps one day I will learn that I don’t have to try and overcome difficulties and worries all on my own. I know that it might feel awkward for some people who have known me for a long time when I talk about my faith and how important God is in my life. The fact is though when I don’t listen to what God is telling me to do then I feel pain, sometimes physical pain at that. Sure family, friends and medical professionals offer practical help, guidance and so on – but it is God that steers me in the right direction to accept that support.
I feel very positive and excited about the future now. I am not saying that my life is perfect all of a sudden, but I do feel that things are slotting into place more than ever before.
I realised on checking Jenny’s Blog again that I had commented on two posts that she had made about Vocation and that I should make a copy of my second set of comments too!
I said:
I love Kirstine’s comment and agree with it. Much what Sitzen says resonates strongly with me. My very limited experience of lay ministry in the diocese is that it seems vague, chaotic, inconsistent – and for me personally that is hugely frustrating.
It seems to me that the Anglican Church needs to change, but that it is not very good at managing change – and certainly not with any pace. Stronger leadership is required in my view at all levels right down to priests in parishes.
And before anyone beats me up about “pace” yes, I believe that God has a plan. But I also believe that we are His instruments to implement his plan and he would probably be quite happy to see it moving along with a little more urgency!
And Jenny replied:
Hi Simon,
thanks for your comments, really interesting to hear your thoughts.Being frustrated with the pace of life in church is something I can relate to!
In my experience, I’ve tended to see two outcomes to the frustration. The first is that in looking back, although frustrated at the time, I’ve seen that it’s been God’s timing and other things have fallen together. Or, the frustration has been a prompt to action and / or engagement at least at some level.Jenny
A few weeks ago I wrote the following comment on Jenny’s Blog and a friend reminded me about it tonight and I thought I had better copy it to here so that I don’t lose it!
2011: I’ve seen evidence that vocation has been talked about at my church, and experienced it too. Both at a personal one-to-one level and through the running of Emmaus courses. The priests at my church make themselves available very willingly to support any discussions about vocation, so do our lay readers for that matter. So that’s great.
When I was in my late-teens I felt then that God was calling me in some way – but that was in the late 1970s and the opportunities of 2011 were not around then. At least, not as far as I was aware. I am sure that if I had looked hard enough and asked more questions then I might have got the answers.
Fast forward to 2010 and a few years (*cough*) of life experience and work behind me I hear the call again. Well in fact, God made a few calls on me in the 30 some years in between, but I kept him on hold! In 2010, I decide it was high time I picked up the phone and listened to what He had to say.
So, for a long time lack of knowledge and self-motivation was my main hinderance. Since I decided to start listening, the support I have been given by my church family has been second to none. If we define the “church leadership” as the the organisation in the diocese outside of my immediate church and parish, then I remain somewhat frustrated at the lack of clarity on their processes to help and encourage me.
All of that said. My view is, ultimately, this is between God and me and I am confident that the plan will come together if I listen well enough, pray hard enough and spend less time reading blogs
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